Tag Archives: Fear

Pretty in Pink

The elevators were jammed and Molly had to go down six flights of stairs in order to get outside after the floodwaters receded. Cars cluttered the streets, pointing every which way, some of them upside down, some lying on their sides, and the buildings sagged and tilted sideways. Doors gaped open on their hinges, showing cave-like interiors with splintered walls. Molly picked her way to the outskirts of the ruined city and across a strange, barren landscape. Her feet broke the crust of the sticky mud, and she trudged over rocks and bits of splintered wood that were all that remained of the stands of eucalyptus trees. For this expedition, she should have put on something practical like the gray coveralls she wore at work. She felt pretty in her pink angora sweater and matching bracelets, but they felt silly now. What was the point of preening, anyway? She had never been so alone. Where was everybody? Had they all drowned, or were they cowering in the ruined buildings? Two white towers in the distance looked familiar; she thought they might be part of the amusement park on the waterfront, but she wasn’t sure.

She was on a hard beach without any sand. The towers loomed over her like smokestacks on a sunken ship. Eerie, sinister music began to play, like a wheezing organ with holes in its bellows, and she caught her breath and froze. Danger! An arch like a gateway beckoned—safety was on the other side. If she could just make it through! She ran, feet slamming on the hard pavement. Just inside the arch stood a pair of gigantic conch shells, facing outwards, but as she drew near, they turned and aimed their points at her like guns or like spears, barring her way.



My parents were terrified of uncertainty. They had a hunkered-down mentality, as if they were spending their lives in a bunker. Taking any kind of risk was unthinkable. “Don’t rock the boat.” “Be careful–you don’t want to burn your bridges.” Being raised this way tends to give a person a slow start.

My parents had a skewed way of looking at things—college, for example. I was told that I had to go to college so I could get a job and pick up the slack if something happened to my husband. This was my mother’s reality; my dad had an accident and ended up partially disabled. Mother graduated magna cum laude from USC and after graduation, she went to work as one of the “girls” in a dental office. Every job she ever had was in a doctor’s or dentist’s office, and she seemed to believe a bachelor’s degree was required for these jobs. She never had a library card; for entertainment, she read the short articles in Reader’s Digest.

I, on the other hand, was a book addict. I always wanted to write. I wrote my first “novel” at age 9, about a horse. At university, I had lots of ideas for books and stories, but there was always an academic paper that I had to write instead. I don’t think they had degrees in creative writing in those days, so I majored in literature. When I graduated, I was expected to return home and get a job filing charts in the doctor’s office where Mother worked. I needed that degree in order to file the charts in alphabetical order.

I rebelled. I drifted from one place to the next, picking fruit, cleaning houses, pulling weeds, and writing in fits and starts. I never finished anything I wrote. I ended up a single mom, and like my mother, found myself doing doctor’s office jobs—billing insurance, transcribing chart notes and letters, and handling worker’s compensation claims. In my spare time, I started a novel set in Egypt’s First Intermediate Period. I wrote 300 pages before I got stuck. By then, my daughter had grown up, and I had moved up from working in private medical offices to hospital systems. It was a good living until I got laid off. Writing was still my passion, though, and I started another novel. I finished that one and wrote two more books. It has taken a lot of years, but I’m using my education at last! I’m a very late bloomer, but now I’m writing from a lifetime of experiences as a single mom working in the trenches. The good thing about being a late bloomer is having so much to draw on—bizarre work situations, hitchhiking, living in the woods, and so much more. I have lived it all.

“The Big One”

Cold rain drizzles down outside my living room window but I’m snug and warm, curled up on the sofa with my dog Kieran. Outside, the garbage trucks rumble down the street. Most of the houses on my block are small cottages with proud brick chimneys built in the 1920s. They are cozy, sturdy, safe havens that have sheltered people for almost 90 years. It has been a stormy March and everyone wonders when the next dry day will be, but we’re used to rain and it’s quiet and peaceful on my street. Bansuri flute music flows out of the stereo in serene waves. I have hot water, tea in the cupboard, and food in the fridge. The furnace is working. Water comes out when I turn on the faucet.

Just now, I appreciate these things. A lot. Today I don’t take a single one of them for granted.

Five thousand miles away in Japan, other people’s houses were destroyed in a catastrophic earthquake and tsunami. The news on TV shows heaps of splintered wood instead of buildings. The devastation goes on for miles. Whole towns have been wiped out. Countless numbers of people are dead, missing, or homeless. People farther inland whose homes are still standing are without electricity, heat, or water. It’s snowing.

Here in Portland, the local news stations bring geologists in to warn that the Cascadia fault off our coast is identical to the fault in Japan. They say we could be next.

I lived my whole childhood in fear of the atomic bomb. We had air raid drills at school, as if crouching under our desks would save us! I grew up in the time when people built bomb shelters in their yards. Whenever an airplane flew overhead, I was afraid it would be the one that would drop the bomb. The cold war threat stayed constant during my high school years. I played Bob Dylan’s song “A Hard Rain’s Gonna Fall” over and over. I wrote down the words. I memorized them.

I’m not sure when the nuclear bomb threat gave over to “The Big One–” the earthquake that would separate California from the North American continent and plunge the whole state to the bottom of the ocean. Quakes happen all the time in California. Some of them come with a rumble as loud as thunder. After people started talking about The Big One, I expected to die every time the earth shook. But the constant scares make you go numb after awhile, and now people say “Oh, was that an earthquake?” and go on with their lives.

My mother experienced the Long Beach earthquake in 1933. It was a 6.4 and was devastating. The schools were destroyed, but the quake happened at dinnertime when all the kids were at home. At least there was that one good thing.

The biggest earthquake I’ve experienced was the Loma Prieta earthquake of 1989. That was a 7.1. I lived in the remote rural area of Cachagua and worked in Monterey, about an hour’s drive away. That day, I stayed in “town” late and went to my sister’s house in Pacific Grove to watch a movie she had rented. We were sitting on her bed watching, propped up on pillows when the earthquake hit. It lasted for what felt like a long time. The bed swayed back and forth and we rode it out like an amusement park ride. The TV went black. There would be no more electricity for days, but as far south as we were from the epicenter, we had very little damage.

The drive home that night was eerie–there were no lights at all. I felt lost. I hadn’t realized how much light and sense of orientation come from the windows of distant houses until it all disappeared. I got home and my daughter Eithne and her boyfriend Mike had kerosene lamps lit. It looked so welcoming and cozy after the long, dark drive home. And then we were stuck. Gas stations were all shut down, as the pumps depend on electricity. I had been planning to get gas before I went home from work. Now I didn’t have enough gas left to drive back into town, and when some of the gas stations opened up, Mike gave me the gas out of his motorcycle to go and fill up.

Our water was on a well with an electric pump. We had no electricity and no water. I kept a bunch of gallon jugs of water in the kitchen because every so often the pump failed. We used those up, mostly to flush the toilet. We had a mountain of dirty dishes!

We were cut off from any news other than battery-powered radio. There was just one station on the air that night–the canned muzak radio station everybody hated, but they had a generator and broadcasted live at a radio tower on top of some hill. They weren’t canned that night. They were real and they took phone calls all night. For people who were alone in their pitch-black apartments, they were a friend in the dark.

I can’t remember how many days it lasted. We had thought that living so far from town, we’d be last to get power, but amazingly, PG&E restored electricity to the remote areas first because everybody was on wells and had no water.

As far away from the epicenter as we were, a lot of inconvenience was the only thing we suffered.

For me, the most hideous thing about the earthquake was the double-decked Cypress Street viaduct on the Nimitz Freeway in Oakland, where the top layer collapsed. The people on the lower level were trapped in crushed cars sandwiched in between the two layers. I can’t stand enclosed spaces–just thinking about that even today gives me the chills.

When I see how much devastation lesser-magnitude earthquakes have caused, I can’t imagine what a 9.0 quake would be like–and Japan has a nuclear crisis on top of all the other damage! I pray for the Japanese people. Jennifer and I are still reciting the heart sutra mantra for them, and lately my prayers have been going especially to the 50 heroic workers who are still in that nuclear facility. And I take time often to be in the moment and appreciate all that I have.